Random Thought (17)

If you want to walk a mile in my shoes, I'd appreciate it if you'd also pick up a sandwich for me while you're out.

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Random Thought (16)

I'm not entirely certain whether I've ever spoken of the pompatus of love.

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Random Thought (15)

Was Water the Pete Best of Earth, Wind & Fire?

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Random Thought (14)

I've been mishearing the lyrics to "Me & You & A Dog Named Boo" all these years. The animal in question is clearly just a contingency plan should these itinerant hippies' vehicle break down somewhere where they cannot "live off the land" as "free men." Once one realizes this, it's quite obvious that the dog's name is "Food," not "Boo."

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Random Thought (13)

I missed yesterday's "OneWebDay." I was on another web at the time and didn't get the message until this morning.

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Random Thought (12)

If I ever win an Olympic gold medal, I'll have it bronzed so that I can keep it forever.

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Random Thought (11)

It would be irresponsible for me to suggest that the weather today is as hot as Hades. I've not been to Hades since that legal ethics seminar a few years back, so I have no current information concerning its climate.

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Random Thought (10)

I blog under my real name because I don't want people to know my pseudonym.

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Random Thought (9)

None of the people I've fired this morning will believe me. I swear, April first is, without a doubt, the worst possible day to execute a headcount reduction.

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Random Thought (8)

I'm told that my wife thinks I don't listen to her, but she's never said anything about that to me.

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Random Thought (7)

If I could change just one thing about myself, it would probably be my tail.

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Random Thought (6)

If we consolidate the Dakotas and Wyoming, we won't need to add stars to the flag when we annex British Columbia and Alberta.

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Random Thought (5)

Those Thanksgiving turkeys should give thanks for President Bush; if it were me in the White House, not only would I not pardon them, but I'd also send them to Guantanamo.

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Random Thought (4)

If the IRS ever calls you and mentions my name, I'd appreciate it if you'd refer to me as "Uncle Colin" and acknowledge that, considering I pay for your student loans and expensive medical treatments, it's especially regrettable that I've lost such large sums in your start-up company in each of the last several fiscal years.

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Random Thought (3)

There's no sense in doing an honest thing if you're going to do it suspiciously; there's even less reason to do a dishonest thing suspiciously. Act normally and you can get away with pretty much anything, at least until you write something like this.

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Random Thought (2)

For obvious reasons, "Football" is a more appropriate name for what Americans call "Soccer" than for what the English refer to as "American Football"; I think we Americans should simply accept this fact and henceforth refer to our game as "Cricket" to avoid any confusion.

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Random Thought (1)

If I ever gain control of a nation, as my national anthem I'm going to use the tune to "Teddy Bears' Picnic" but write some bloodthirsty nationalistic lyrics to go along with it.